I just keep thinking about you

I’ve had many regrets in my life. From little things like not accepting a job offer to blaming myself for things that weren’t exactly related to me.

The biggest regret I have though is that i lost half of my self. When that half left 1500 km away.

I just got stuck to a part of my life where nothing is working and I’m just thinking about you, waiting for you to say something just waiting to see that you’re ok and moving on with your life. On the other hand I’m thinking… what will happen when you’ll go away for good ? What will I do then ? Those are just some questions that I think I’m going to ask myself for the rest of my life because I let you slip through my fingers when I knew that I was makimg a mistake. At least one of us will be happy…. right?

 

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Noapte linistita

E 2 dimineata. Vechea, noua si viitoare prietena tigara arde fara jena, 8 sau 12 euro pe zi zilnic ca asa e frumos, ca unu nu mai e indeajuns. Privesc pe geam cum lumea functioneaza, unii pleaca altii vin, ore diferite, locatii diferite,  cu scopuri similare… in principiu sa traiasca sa fie fericiti sau in cazuri mai triste sa supravietuiasca.

Timpul cu tine devine un lux, gandurile te despart de tine, incepi sa te intrebi de altii… “dar oare el/ea cum reuseste”. Visezi cu ochii deschisi la ceea ce ti-ai dorit intotdeauna… pentru unii ultimul iphone, ultima masina, ultima fita iar pentru altii linistea de maine.

Ma gandesc la faptul ca inainte nu imi pasa prea mult de deciziile altora, acum imi pasa, nu neaparat ca sunt mai buni, prosti sau mai fericiti decat mine ci imi place sa observ cum din punctul a ajung in punctul b si mai departe in punctul c s.a.m.d. Evolutia unui om e tare frumoasa mai ales acelei persoane de care iti pasa enorm. Sa vezi ca a reusit te unge pe suflet, cel putin mie imi da o satisfactie emotionala pe care nu as putea sa o descriu in cuvinte. De ce? Nu stiu. Te las pe tine sa duci mai departe firul.

 

And they lived happily ever after…

It’s funny knowing that, even though some people are far away from you you still think about them and you feel them as they are in front of you.

Nowadays people are with hidden interests, going after money alone even if it means ruining their life for it, or even worse some random other humans life.

Today I was poked again by that person that showes me that not only that she helps but she puts in her heart into it showing me how stubborn and stupid I am.

Again with her perfect style not too picky, just the perfect ammount of interest, she showed me that she can help me although I think I never managed to do that for her… I almost felt her smile, that perfect one showing that armony of trust, security, shy and hapliness from thousand of km away from me.

She’s the one you would never want to let go, I’ll give her that… your unique homemade type of drug which you can’t get enough of.

She gave me some time with my inner self, which I couldn’t give myself for a long time.

I appreciate all of it… all of her…

 

 

Viata e un joc

Deschide ochii

Uite-te in jur

Priveste-ti viata

 

Cine poate sa imi zica incotro se indreapta viata asta mica. Totul pare sa fie o lunga perioada de timp cand de fapt totul se petrece intr-o clipa.

Tot ce faci platesti in momentul in care toti cei dragi palesc, iti zici in cap “traiesc”, uite-te in jur, e doar un spectacol pervers, oameni frumosi pierduti printre degete, sparti la fiecare colt de bloc, aroganti pe oriunde iti bat ochii, dobitoci in fata mea la fiecare schita  de zambet.

Ai sa gasesti interesant unde se duce mintea, un paradox, “ jumatate pentru vii jumatate pentru morti” avem niste legi nescrise pe care le respectam fara sa ne schimbam cursul vietii. Un joc in care iti este scris sa traiesti dupa cum iti este deja scris. Un fel de roboti programati sa avem o viata predefinita chiar inainte sa spunem primele cuvinte.

Gaseste-ti fericirea, rupe-te de realitate, fugi, pleaca, gaseste-ti calea si rupe barierele imaginare impuse de mintea umana. Nu exista infinit pentru specia umana, avem timp limitat, fa ce trebuie sa iesi din automatizarea impusa de un sistem bolnav.

 

 

 

 

I would burn the whole world for you.

Read those words carefully and realise how powerfull they can be if you feel them rather than say them.

I fell that way for one person only. And I’m barely able to control myself from my needs of showimg myself in front of her, grabing her arms, pulling her closer and showing her what she really means to me.

Yeah maybe I’m a psycho thinking that that would work. But that’s how I feel about her. She managed to start that inner fire in me that doesn’t quite let go. In dispair I tried everything, even made her hate me in the hope that I will back off if I feel her cold enough.

Guess what that didn’t work…

I would burn the whole world down just to have you, I would burn the whole world if anybody tries to hurt you.

The real me(part 1)

This is me. The real me.

I was born in Bucharest. My first memory related to me is when my fathers car broke and we were stranded in the middle of the city, with me covered in a towel and my mother holding me in her arms… though I don’t remember exactly why was I covered in a towel in the first place.

I had a brother which was 10 years older than me, but we’ll get to that later.

So my life started, my parents got me in a english based kindergarten. I remember my teacher …. she was a red headed, green eyes, milky skin and very slim, I loved her…. of course like a kid loves a person when he really likes that certain person. Moving on, she showed me what being polite means, how to make a differences between good and bad people, how to learn good stuff and not do bad stuff. She was awesome let’s be serious, I still follow her way of being and what she tought me. You know that quote “time flyes when you’re having fun” ? God damn those three years passed like lightning, I felt really bad when it was over and school had to start. But hey we all grow up don’t we?

August 99′

I remember my mother taking me to a school and talking with the mam’ in charge over there, she was the kind of woman you didn’t want to fuck with I swear to god. She was the type of female character that you can see in her eyes the fucks she didn’t give if you were crying, getting hurt or whatever (yeah I had a very fucked up imagination when I was little, although I think we all had that). So my mom talked with that demonic woman, and asked her to get me in starting this year (99′). Guess what I did! My world collapsed, I was fearing for my life.(not quite but whatever, let’s be honest when we’re little, we’re scared of our shadows or weird noises).

September 99′

First day at school! Oh the joy! I remember being scared as fuck. I just stayed 1cm close to my mother, and didn’t want to let her go. I had to let her go and meet my new collegues. Oh the joy again, 32 new kids, 32 people I didn’t know. Well we all go through that sooner or later, people meet other people, my brain didn’t want to process that during that period.

Everything goes as a normal school goes, random fights between collegues, some good and bad grades here and there.

Fast forward two years. 15th of july 01′

Middle of the summer, me and my family(moms, pops, and bro) came back from a awesome vacation at the sea side. Two weeks of doing nothing were divine.

26th of July 01′ 2:30 a.m

I hear my brother smashing stuff around his room, cursing and hitting the walls. I woke up from my sleep, go to his room and asked him what’s wrong. He was literally just standing there, he stopped whatever he was doing. He came close to me and said:

Hey lil’ bro, my boss called and I have to go to work, go back to sleep bro and we’ll talk soon.

Tapped my forehead and smiled at me.

So I did, because I always trusted my brother and he was everything to me.

I did the biggest mistake of my life that morning.

Before we go on let me tell you a few words about my brother. He was as tall as me 6’5 (1 meter 90), loved cars since he was little, and had a great job at a german company(I prefer it to remain a secret). My parents bought him a e36 BMW when he was 18(his first car).  He modified it and it was really fast, and of course not safe. He loved that car and we both worked on it(mostly him) until late at night almost every day.  He had a girlfriend in Suceava that he was dating for more than 5 years and damn he loved that girl so much.

So you guessed it that morning at 3 a.m he broke up with his girlfriend… no boss called him. He just got into the car and was heading for her.

I woke up the next day, went to his room to see he wasn’t there. Looked for my parents, they were also gone. Went out to play with my friends to find my parents upset after I came back at night.

Asked them what’s wrong and they just responded that it was just a long day.

Next day I asked them where’s my brother. They told me that he had to go to Germany and that he lost his phone. Me because I was a complete fucking idiot I believed them.

Fast forward 2 months, 4th of september  01′.

I came back from outside, my parents were in the kitchen. I took a shower and went to the dining room, to see a paper that said: death certificate “my brother name”. (Left intentional by my parents)

I lost it, I started to see black in front of my eyes as my heart was pounding as if my heart was trying to get out. I started crying and screaming, my parents came, I started cursing them, hitting my mother and father(keep in mind was 10, my force was equal to spaghetti, no damage done). I literally was a mad person, I dropped out of school for half an year due to my anger management issues during that time.

I progressively got better and better, but couldn’t forgive my parents, even now i’m still cold with them. Although masking my brothers death was a psychologist idea not theirs. He said something like: he can lose his mind if he finds out, try to let him get used to not seeing his brother first.(retarded advice if you ask me).

 

Nemultumiri

Te-ai gandit vreodata ca indiferent cat de tare tragi nu ajungi nicaieri? Te-ai gandit ca nu iti ajunge timpul in viata sa ajungi unde ai vrut?

Ma invart in jurul cozii de mai bine de 4 ani, oricat de tare trag, oricate nopti le pierd, oricat ma schimb si orice fac nu este indeajuns.

Nu constientizez ce rahat se intampla, de ce nu mai simt nici un fel de avansare in viata, de ce totul a ramas pe loc.

Cat trebuie sa trag, ce trebuie sa fac, unde e fierul cald si unde trebuie sa bat? Intrebari care nu le gasesc raspunsul.

Am renuntat la tot ce aveam doar ca sa pot sa avansez si tot nu este indeajuns.